Monday, August 17, 2009

Hard dicks and Jesus don't mix

Now before you start calling me names and telling me I'm going to hell for my title heres the story of my weekend.

Friday August 14th we decide that we are going to Malmo, so me Mike, Tomas, John, Julie, Page, Ricardo and some other people whos names I don't quite remember meet up at Parentesan and pre party, with jager...of course. We take the bus to Malmo and arrive at the festival. This festival is nuts, it takes palce all over Malmo, there are stages in every square and in between the town squares there are hundreds of vendors selling food and random things. You don' have to pay to get in, and the main stage is twice as big as the sungod stage. If your from UCSD imagine a sungod with no secuirty and make it bigger, much bigger, then you have the Malmo festival. Well anyway we get there and meanwhile I'm texting this swedish girl Emily, who I've met once for about 5 minutes at a barbeque, and shes telling me she wants to hang out and that shes gonna try to see if she can get me into this "exclusive" party, at this point I'm interested because hell if a girls interested you might get soemthing out of it right ;-P. Anyway we walk around the festival (the original group) and we end up in Folkspark. Its already getting late and the beer garden we are at closes so John, Mike and I head to the restroom, as I'm walking to the restroom I get a text from Emily "Come to the club" so I ask her if I can bring friends and she replies with "Bring your guy friends". Mike, John and I are sober and bored so we are like lets go and we ditch the group pretending we got lost and head to the club. After walking for what was probably a good half hour or 45 minutes we finally arrive at the club. We enter and are greeted by Emily and two of her girlfriends, we are also met with a 100 SEK club entrance fee (around $14.50 or so depends on the exchange rate you use). We decide well whatever we already walked here might as well pay and go inside. (We still dont get how if you rent out a club you have to pay entrance, but we also think Emily was full of shit). Anyway we go upstairs and we start dancing when all of a sudden Emilys friends just peace out. So its John, Mike, Emily and I, at this point I decide to buy a drink because I'm way to sober. I buy a vodka red bull, with a shit ton of 60 percent (or thats what the bartender told me) vodka, costs me 116 SEK (close to $17). As I buy this drink a "cougar" starts talking to John trying to pick him up. Now imagine this a very tall built woman in her late 40's with glasses and long sleeve shirt with pantyhose. This detail will be important later on. Anyway John gets rid of the cougar and him and Mike decide to bounce because at this point me and Emily are just all over each other on the dance floor and there are no girls for John to hit on and Mikes in a realtionship so he has nothing to do and the drinks are to expensive to get drunk. After they leave me and Emily are just dancing, making out and talking in the club till 4:30 at some point I even got on this stage like thing and started dancing while they filmed me. After we leave the club Emily asks me if I'm going back to Lund and I said I would like to and she tells me theres no buses running (a lie). She tells me I can go sleep at her place so we head there. We get to her palce and then I'm feeling really weird about the whole thing and I'm just sitting on her couch drinking water trying to sober up. Finally she gets into her bed and I join. At this point shes naked and Im somewhat clothed, anyway I won't go into the details but we both end up naked making out and stuff on her bed when out of nowhere she sees I have a cross on. This is where the evening takes its turn for the worst. After noticing my cross she asks me if I am Christian, and seeing that I am one I answer yes. Then the conversation gets really weird and she starts talking about her views on religion as well as sex before marriage etc etc etc...I'm trying to steer her away from this relgious talk and I start feeling her up and trying to make out with her and this right here was a mood kill. With a hard dick in her hands she asks "Do you think Jesus is hot" now have you ever seen a balloon lose air? yea. Anyway at this point I dont want to do anything and just want to go to bed because I'm just creeped out but she keeps talking about the plague and how lady bugs in sweden are like the plague from the old testament but its not God its just lady bugs...something along those lines and I'm trying everything to just shut her up. Then she asks what I'm thinking about and I reply with full honesty that I'm thinking about Lady Bugs and she gets kind put off that I'm not thinking about her because after all "I am naked in bed next to you and your thinking of lady bugs? why?" Well maybe because you killed the sensuality of the moment by asking me if Jesus was hot and then went on rambling about the plague and lady bugs like a mad woman. Anyway soon after that we fall asleep. (How far did we go? Depends on who you ask itd be 2nd or 3rd base depends on what base fingering and handjob go in) Anyway I wake up and my first thought is Why am I naked, my seocnd thought is hey wait this isnt my blue blanket. Next I turn and see Emily and I remember how I got there and the weird conversations from the night before. Soon she wakes up and starts talking about the most random shit ever, Malmo, her apartment, what she had to eat yest, what she drank etc...Now I'm sorry but I listen to girls talk, I consider myself a good listener, but when you are tired and just want to go back to sleep WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED TO KNOW ALL THIS RANDOM SHIT?!?!?!, not only that but she kept asking me "Oh you look tired you should sleep" and then shed get quiet and right as I'm about to fall asleep she would turn to me and start asking me stuff, I dont even remember most of it. Anyway at this point its like 2pm and Mike and John have been calling me to find out where I was, they thought I'd been kidnapped in Malmo anyway I shoot them a text because I dont feel like carrying on a phone convo about the night before because I know they are gonna give me shit for it. I end up spending the whole day in Emilys apartment sleeping watching tv and having uncomfortable conversations with her about everything from A-Z. Finally we head to the festival where I meet back up with Mike and John and I manage to communicate aproximately what happened. Anyway at the festival Emily sticks by me almost the whole night, convinces me to go on a ferris wheel with her and kisses me and the whole time I'm trying to keep my distance but at the same time I havent become a complete ass so I cant just ditch her sadly I'm still a nice guy. Finally we watch Timbuktu the Swedish rapper and we decide to head back to Lund and drink. Btw the Timbuktu concert was ridiculous and awesome even though it was in Swedish. (Btw the sounds are palying on thursday). Anywho as we are walking to the train station, Mike tells me to convince Emily to come back and drink with us and I'm really not trying to have her come home but of course Mike convinces her to come back with us. So we start playing never have I ever...haha one of the best games of never have I ever that I have ever palyed (It made me realize that I'm not a very good, wholly person). We played this game for about 2 hours and then we started palying the association game (one person says a word then another person says something related etc) and that was even funnier than never have I ever. Meanwhile the 6 people playing manage to kill 2 1 liter bottles of vodka. Somewhere during the association game Emily was really tired so I told her to just go to sleep so she goes and gets in my bed. I stay out and play the game until I get tired and then I head to bed only to be greeted by Emily and I realize its gonna be an interesting night. We get as far as we got the night before and then we fall asleep. Next morning I wake up to Mike knocking on my door asking me to come to the pub for the Manchester game, but I feel hungover as shit and I dont want to move so I'm like no I'm not gonna go. Emily gets excited because she thinks I stayed for her and at this point I dont care and I tell her I'm staying because I'm hungover as fuck and tired and I just want to sleep. Well guess what she just kept talking the WHOLE FUCKING time while I'm trying to sleep, so I just put my fingers in to shut her up and that made her quiet for a little bit, but finally I realized that I wasnt getting any sleep so I went and took a nice long shower. She told me "To bad you dont have your own shower because we could shower together" and my thought was THANK GOD I DONT HAVE MY OWN SHOWER. (as you can tell I was way over Emily at this point). Then I came out of my shower and then cooked (only reason I cooked for her was because I had promised her and Mike food the day before, but Mike wasnt home). Ironically enough it was stir fry. After I was done we were eating and Mike came back and made us all tea, and even he realized I was not in the greatest mood, I was watching tv and aparently the look on my face was quite serious because Mike asked "Nick, what happened did something die?". Anyway he tries to convince Emily to stay over and I'm trying to signal to him NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! but he didnt see and even if he did its Mike he'd have her stay just to watch me squirm. But then Mike told her that Yana (her friend) was coming back in about 20 minutes and she literally ran out of the flat (THANK GOD). But being the gentleman that I am I walked her to the bus stop and then when I left she was looking for a kiss but I gave her the friends hug, and muttered something about maybe seeing her at some point this week if I go back to Malmo. (which if I go she wont know) Well thats the story of my weekend. And now I have a 25 year old annoying clingy swedish girl who thinks that me and her are dating. At least she had a nice body but thats not much of a saving grace when you are annoying and clingy.

Anyway after she left Mike and I start cleaning the aparetment and Yana comes back and we start telling her about our weekend in Malmo. When we tell her about the club she starts laughing hysterically. Apparently we were at the biggest gay club in Malmo, Wonk (pronounced Wank, or thats what it sounds like, /, not only that the cougar that hit on John was actually a man who dressed as a woman on the weekends and thats why he had long sleeves because he didnt want to shave his arms because hes a construction worker (Yana has met this person before). Not only that I found out that Mike called Yana on saturday and told him I hooked up with Emily and her response was NOOOOOOOOO I FORBID she is annoying, and Mike just "accidentally" forgot to mention this conversation to me until sunday evening.

Anyway what a story getting left in another city and sleeping at a crazy girls house without getting laid and now dealing with a clingy, clingy girl. Welcome to the life of the Princess, as people say "Why the fuck does the weirdest shit always happen to you?" I guess being halfway across the world doesnt my affinity for crazy stories. Mike says hes happy I live in this hall because I've only been here for 2 weeks and he already has so many stories about me imagine how many there will be between now and decemeber and imagine how many if I come here for masters.

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